The Pain of Going Public

With this post, I cross the bridge from private to public blog!

Today, I am taking this blog public. Oh, my.

When I first started Feast on the Word, I decided to keep the blog private, allowing only those I invited by email to read it. My reasons for keeping it private were manifold.

For one, privacy means less pressure. For me, blogging is an intense pursuit. Not only is it time consuming, but I labor over what to say and even more over how to say it. The pressure to write well already existed when the blog was private: now, it’s staggering. Also, because I write many of my blog posts with an LDS audience (and those familiar with our faith and scriptures) in mind, opening the blog up to people not of my religion makes things more complicated.

Another reason I’ve kept the blog private: comments. People can be nasty to your face, but boy can they be nasty in the comments section! I created this blog to share beautiful aspects of the gospel and the scriptures, as well as to increase my own spirituality: mean comments kind of put a damper on those things! Thus far, my comments section has been an awesome place: my husband, bless his pretty little face, will make sure it stays that way. =)

In short, making the blog public adds a whole lot of PAIN. (plus, I probably need to increase my posting frequency!)

So, now that I’ve complained about how much harder my life will become by taking the blog public (sorry)…why did I even decide to do it in the first place? You can probably guess.

I felt I should. *sigh*

And with that feeling came a scripture (hint from above, anyone?):

“For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth…” (Romans 1:16)

The thing is: I am not ashamed of the gospel. My faith is the best part of me. HOWEVER: I may be just a little “ashamed” to share the gospel with those not of my faith.

Why, you ask? For starters:

-My faith is such a big part of who I am. It influences pretty much everything in my life. Can you see how scary it gets to share your beliefs? To me, sharing bits and pieces of the gospel is much like sharing only one or two things about yourself to a stranger (yes, it is true that I don’t eat enough broccoli and almost never do my hair, but I am so much more!). Also, an attack on the gospel (which is difficult enough by itself) feels like an attack on me and I am a fragile being. Plus, because my faith defines who I am and what I do, people judge my religion based on ME. Which brings me to the really, really frightening part…

-I am not perfect. Surprise, surprise! (HA!) In fact, sometimes I can’t stand myself. I doubt. I fear. I fail. My weaknesses and sins disgust me. Good thing the atonement is real! But being a painfully imperfect work-in-progress means I sometimes hesitate to share the gospel and my gospel-related thoughts. Not only is my spiritual understanding imperfect because I am, but I really should be MUCH better proof of how awesome the gospel is!

Despite my fears, shame, and inherent tendency to keep my faith and gospel-related thoughts private, another scripture springs up to comfort me:

“Wherefore, I call upon the weak things of the world, those who are unlearned and despised, to thrash the nations by the power of my Spirit.” (D&C 35:13)

Hello, is this scripture written just for me or what?! I am weak. I am unlearned. I am despised (or at least despicable!).

My expectations for this blog are pretty modest. By taking my blog public, I will probably not “thrash the nations by the power of [the] Spirit.” I’ll probably be happy if I have twenty (ten? five? two?) regular readers.

But maybe the Holy Spirit can use my words—despite their and my imperfections—to whisper peace to just one stranger’s heart. To remind that person that God is no stranger, that He is anxious to prove He is the bestest of friends.

Stranger, I gladly suffer the pain of going public for you. Even if that stranger turns out to be me.

Comments

  1. I’m grateful for your words. They not only are beautiful, but they help me reflect on my relationship with deity and with the confrontaitons of life themselves.
    Keep on writing, you have much to share and parts of your own testimony to find.
    Love,
    Kat

    • angelicahagman says:

      Thanks sis! It makes me happy to hear that you decide to do some pondering after reading my posts! (it’s definitely easier just to read and then leave it at that…) Looking forward to more of your great comments! =)

  2. I like it! You are doing exactly what I think many of us have a desire to do – share the gospel somehow. However, you have the actual courage to start what I would like to start myself. Inspiring! :) keep it up!

    • angelicahagman says:

      Thanks Johanna! I don’t know if I have much courage…but I guess this is my way of developing some! And I’m counting on some insightful comments from you! =)

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