A Glimpse of More

aglimpseofmore

 

Sunday church services.

Sometimes we are on time, or even early.

Most of the time, however, we are late.

I don’t know how it happens. Sure, our services start at nine in the morning, but as a general rule, our kids are early risers (too early, in my opinion…). Even with my husband away on morning church meetings, I should be able to get our two boys and myself there on time.

Maybe a black hole magically sucks away the minutes. Maybe the kids can sense we need to be somewhere at a certain time and therefore automatically go into slow motion mode. Maybe I don’t know what to wear (especially now while eight months pregnant).

This past Sunday, I thought for sure we’d make it on time. Almost, anyway. But then, as we were heading out the door, I realized we’d forgotten to pack toys for the kids.

Trust me, they need something to do.

Fun fact about me: when stress starts to bubble inside me for silly reasons – such as being late for church – my body and mind automatically stirs awake the temporarily slumbering stress I feel for less-silly reasons.

So that morning, my body wasn’t just reacting to the legos my (almost) four-year-old son were taking too long to pick up. It was experiencing the stress I feel over our living situation, my writing, my capabilities as a mother to what will soon be three boys, etc, etc, etc.

Plus: pregnancy hormones.

Okay, yes, maybe I am trying to justify what happened next, just a tiny bit.

And yes, I still feel bad about it.

Probably because I was stressing him out with my stress and hurry-words, my son abandoned his legos on the floor. We rushed into the car and zoomed out the driveway.

A few feet down the street, that same son tells me he hasn’t buckled his seatbelt yet.

While pulling over to the curb, I tell him to buckle himself in, sprinkling in some parental teachings about how he should always buckle his seatbelt as soon as he gets in the car.

Slight correction:

I don’t tell. I yell.

My stress levels may be spiking, but I’m not completely out of control. The yelling quickly stops and no abusive words are spoken.

But it’s enough. Enough to make my son erupt in tears, even if those tears only last for a few moments. He buckles his seatbelt, and we’re off again.

Stress – now compounded by fresh evidence of my failings as a mother – still makes my insides sizzle. I spend half of the drive deep breathing and mentally composing a text to my husband to come outside and pick up the kids. I have decided to skip church.

In the backseat, my youngest son is babbling/whining. The oldest…

He’s quiet. So quiet, it cuts me.

When I pull into the church parking lot, stress still simmers in my body and mind. My son still isn’t talking.

But even though he isn’t talking, his soul – so beautiful, so vulnerable – seems to speak to me.

And in that moment, I realize his soul means more than my stress.

With hugs and kisses, I beg his forgiveness. And pure child that he is, he freely grants it.

Then, with small hands in mine, I go to church, praying God will forgive me just as freely.

A great writer would now interpret this experience, translating it into a brief statement of supreme wisdom.

Unfortunately, I am not a great writer. Not yet, anyway. I am just…me.

Except, because of this experience, I catch a glimpse of more. A glimpse of me as more. A glimpse of more than me. A glimpse of more than now.

Despite my failings – and because of God’s mercy – there is more.

Ps. Full disclosure: this isn’t (remotely) the first time I yelled at my kids, nor will it be the last. Nor, I dare say, is it the last time we will be late for church.

Comments

  1. You have a huge talent Angelica you know how to put feelings and thoughts into awesome sentences!! I love reading your blog posts! Oh and I have had this same experience many times :)

  2. Du skriver så man känner sig närvarande! Berörde verkligen. Tack!

  3. hi I just received a link to your blog and wanted to tell you that I so see myself in this post. Thanks for your words they really struck a chord with me. I don’t agree with the fact that you said that you’re not a great writer! :-) I see that there are lots of interesting posts here I look forward to perusing your blog!

    • angelicahagman says:

      Thank you for reading and commenting, Jen! Glad to know it struck a chord (and that I’m not alone in my weaknesses, hehe…). Thanks also for your compliment on my writing – one day! :)

  4. Angelica- Just had to comment on how I enjoy your insights! Thanks for sharing and Happy New Year.

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